It happend on a Friday...I wasn't ready.

The afternoon sun was coming through the window brightening up the sterility of the hospital room.  A lone mylar balloon declared that someone should "Get Well Soon" with a cheerful bear holding flowers. The machine that breathed for my daddy was making it's usual sounds. The nurse on duty was checking his vitals and whatever else she was monitoring and smiled at me. You know the smile, one full of kindness and compassion for the person who is going through a traumatic experience.  Drawing in a deep breath I went over to my daddy and cheerfully said, "Hi Daddy! I'm here to see you!  I love you." Though he was sedated he responded to me by turning his head to me. I breathed a ragged sigh of relief. He knew I was there.

I wasn't ready.

There is so much that goes through your mind when the opportunity to have those heart to hearts you wanted are snatched away. So many things I really wanted to talk to my Daddy about were slipping through my fingers like water. The only thing left were wet hands from tears. This wasn't fair! I was supposed to get my last goodbye, my last "I love you, buh-bee", "How nice", and bad blonde joke.

I wasn't ready.

My mom and I met with the doctors and it didn't look good. The cancer had overtaken most of both his lungs. Time to call my husband and grandmother. Grandma arranged to pick up my Honey on their way. They were still 5 hours away. Then I called my soul sister. She had lost her dad to lung cancer  6 years before. Please come.

Finally, everyone arrived and as a family we met with the doctor. Daddy wouldn't last more than a day or two even with the life support. What did we want to do? We all knew he would hate to hang on for a couple days like that so...

I wasn't ready.

As Daddy's heartbeat slowed, I whispered to him that I loved him, and gave him the last kiss I would give him. Then I went into the arms of my husband and soul sister and sobbed my grief. Welling up in my heart was the song of a man who had lost his 4 daughters to a storm at sea. Going over the spot where they perished he penned the famous hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. Through the horrible pain tearing me apart, I knew the peace that surpasses all understanding knowing my Heavenly Father was holding me also and I never have to say goodbye to Him.

I wasn't ready. But I was going to be OK.

Things I didn't have that my children do.

Tonight as I was checking on my kiddos I opened the door to my daughters room and to my surprise she was still awake.  She asked me for some water which I happily got for her and then kissed her goodnight.  As I was shutting the door it occurred to me that I am giving my children a life I never had.

My parents did the best they could with what they had, I know, but there were many gaps they did not or could not fill.   There was abuse, addiction, various different faiths or none, separations, divorce, "checking out", chaos, affairs, denial, moving, poor finances, the list goes on.  Already in their young lives my children have been spared so much.  Mommy and Daddy love each other and are faithful, respectful and kind to each other.  They are not abused.  They have basically "grounded" parents who don't change with the wind.  And though I am not in anyway perfect I know that because of the environment we have provided for them they are happy, healthy, well balanced (as much as any child with PDD can be) and very secure in their little worlds.

I truly believe that the Lord let me see this tonight because I needed the encouragement.  I fail them in so many ways I can't even begin to list them.  My understanding is that we will screw our children up.  There is no avoiding it, they are being raised by two sinners.  But, my prayer is that it won't be too badly.  


Thankfully, I can also see that God can do amazing things despite how parents are.  This is my testimony.  I am not a product of my childhood.  He has made me into a new creation.  So if he can do that with me he will be able to do that for my children as well...in spite of me.  I am thankful that my God fills in the gaps.

God vs. gods and Eternity.

You're the only God

Whose name and praise will never end...

These are some of the lyrics in a popular worship song, You Are God Alone, written by Phillips, Craig, and Dean.  As I was singing them tonight I was struck by the fact that my God is the only God that has been praised from the beginning of time and is still being praised and worshiped.  And whose name has been proclaimed from the beginning of time and is still being proclaimed. 

It is interesting how many other gods have had their names proclaimed by men only for a short period of time.  (Relative of course to the history of man) However, in the Psalms we see that His glory (which is found in his name, among other ways) has been proclaimed by the heavens...so it would be logical to conclude that they have been proclaiming his name since he spoke them into existence. (Genesis 1:1)

Psalm 19 ¹ 

19:1 For the music director; a psalm of David.

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the sky displays his handiwork. 

19:2 Day after day it speaks out; 

night after night it reveals his greatness.

19:3 There is no actual speech or word,

nor is its voice literally heard.

19:4 Yet its voice echoes throughout the earth;

its words carry to the distant horizon. 

In the sky  he has pitched a tent for the sun.
  

So how much confidence and trust can I have in a God who is has no beginning or end?  Whose glory is proclaimed by the stars?  Whose actions and plans do not depend on human whims, emotions, and finite understanding of the whole picture and eternal things.  I can trust Him with everything.  I know all this with my head, I would like to live in this truth at every moment.  Trusting in such an infinite God that loves me.  Resting in his truths.

Lord, show me your truths and help me to live in them at every moment.  Thank you for your amazing goodness and grace that I am permitted into your presence and that you have given me the Holy Spirit to help me live the way you would want me to.

They had potato chips for lunch.

As usual I didn't prepare enough (not at all) the night before for my overnight trip to Spokane. (Which is an hour+ south of where I live.)  So, as a result, I tried to cram four hours worth of work into two.  Chaos ensued.  Getting together enough of everything for four children, ages nine months to six years, isn't as simple as throwing a few things in a bag.  There's all the extra stuff like clothes, blankets, diapers, food, bottles, bibs (which I forgot), toys, stroller, shampoo, sippy cups, etc.  Then when it's time to get into the car inevitably there is at least one poopy diaper...I got two.  I finally got everything in the truck and I am 20 min behind.  

As I am pulling out of the driveway I realize, I need gas.  There goes another 10 min.  At the gas station I face the fact, my children have not eaten and it's noon ...you see where this is going.  

I have a Dr's appt and I can not take another 15 min to get to the drive through, order, wait, and then distribute food.  Spying a variety of snack food I come to the conclusion that potato chips are the least bad of all the bad I'm looking at.  Three bags of chips it is.  I can not believe I am going to do this.  I have to laugh or I am going to get really down on myself.

My children were of course aghast at the prospect of eating a bag of chips for lunch.  They begged me to give them something healthy and well balanced.  They barely choked the chips and all their preservatives down.  All the while telling me what an awful mother I am.  NOT!!

So, they survived the ordeal and so did I.  The moral of the story, for me anyway, is get organized and don't procrastinate! 

Silly girl...

Diggin' Up Bones

"I'm diggin' up bones, I'm diggin' up bones
Exhuming things thats better left alone..."*

I can clearly hear the resonating barotone voice of Randy Travis singing these words.  The question that runs through my head along with the melody is "Should I?"  Now my reason is not to dig up bones regarding lost loves but of a childhood missing in foggy and lost memories.  Does it do any good to go searching for what is forgotten?  The event or events are obviously traumatic enough otherwise the brain would not be hiding it/them.  To what end?

I believe this comes down to motivation.  What is the driving factor?  This quest for information.  And how will God be glorified in the ugliness that can only be found in these kinds of things.  Should I even contemplate it?  What of the arguments against digging around in things you can't change?  How do you deal with the hostility that would come with it?  So many things to concider...I just want whatever I do to be glorifying to my Father.

"I'm diggin' up bones, I'm diggin' up bones
Exhuming things thats better left alone..."* 

...are they better left alone?



*Lyrics to "Diggin' Up Bones" by Randy Travis

The Hormone Perspective

I suffer from a chronic condition in which my perspective is often clouded with the heightened emotions due to  pregnancy and postpartum hormones raging through my body.  Sense I have had 4 babies in past 6 years I have been dealing with this for just about 6 years straight.  My condition will leave me unable to see past my anger, anxiety, despair, frustration, and impatience. I suffer from the Hormone Perspective.

So here is a little disclaimer to those who may read this and have suffered debilitating postpartum depression; I have not suffered enough to need medication.  I understand that that does happen for some people.  I am addressing my experience and am not saying those whose hormone induced depression are at fault or wrong for seeking the help they need. 

 Just today as I was getting in my truck after exercise class I heard a couple of the ladies talking about getting together, making it to this or that, and I started feeling sorry for myself.  Why don't these ladies invite me?  Why is it that I feel like I have to beg for time with my "friends".  What is it about me that they don't want to get together with me?  Am I that "needy"?  Do I give enough in my relationships? You can see how this is spiraling downward.  It happens so often with many different situations.  I begin to think I know what others are thinking and feeling and it ends up with me either feeling completely down in the dumps or really mad (usually at my poor husband).  All because of my own assumptions.

The question I have to ask myself though is, when I am in the midst of this, whose perspective am I looking at the situation with?  Is my husband really out to hurt me?  Is it really hopeless?  Is God really in control?  Does He got it covered?  Is it always going to be like this?  All these questions point out the fact that I am not looking at it with the proper perspective because they are questions full of anger, anxiety, despair, frustration, and impatience.  Which if you hold them up in the light of scripture it shows that I am sinning.  That I am not trusting God and his plan for my life and those of my husband and children.  That I am not believing his sovereignty, goodness, and faithfulness.  How then do I combat this when it comes up?

For me, the only thing to combat this from spiraling out of control is to go to the Bible and see what God has to say about these issues.  There are so many verses for each of these emotions and what we are to do with them.  The main point I want to get to when I need proper perspective is that of truth.  If I can't see the truth because of out of control emotions I have to ask my Lord to help me to see things through His eyes.  One verse that helps me a lot in this area is Philippians 4:8.

"Finally, brothers and sisters,  whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things." Emphasis mine.

 

I remember when my sweetheart and I first started dating I dealt with a lot of anxiety and fear about what his intentions were because of my ex-husband.  The Ex had just been looking for a wife to check off that box on the list of goals in his life and I was a good candidate...for a while anyway.  I wanted a man to be with me because he liked (and eventually loved) me not because I fit the checklist for a good girlfriend/wife.  So, I eventually made a list of what I knew to be true about my sweetie and chose to dwell on those things and not the "what if's".   It is my choice either to dwell on truth or dwell on unknowns.

So, today as I was holding back the flood of tears, I told myself that I don't know what others are thinking.  The truth is that the ladies in my class have been very kind and friendly and they were just getting to know me.  So that is what I have to go on.  I can not indulge in my self pity because it would inhibit my ability to be open, kind, and friendly to others because I dwelt in suspicion instead of truth.  I decided to try and look at things through Godly perspective and not the Hormone Perspective.

The 5 digit mouthwash.

I love my mouth.  It brings forth song, laughter, compassion, instruction, encouragement, and many other things.  However, occasionally I find, that it gets a 5 digit mouthwash.  This usually happens when the wisdom and self control switch get turned off and the mouth just keeps on moven'.  Open wide cause here comes the foot!  Can I get a do over?

This phenomenon occurred, yet again.  I often wonder if I'll ever learn (for the record, I think I will only improve but not fully recover).  Thankfully, my friend was kind enough to call me back and get some clarification.  As it turned out I had come across completely opposite of what I was really feeling.  As I was shoveling the driveway my thoughts began to move toward what she said rather than what I had said.

It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I am an avoider.  I avoid the things that are really hard for me until the repercussions of my avoidance becomes to big for me to ignore anymore.  Then the work load is, of course, 10x as much.  I have often asked the Lord when this behavior will cease.  When will I be the productive woman he wants me to be.  It is so hard to stop being selfish with my time and do ALL the things I know I should be doing.  I fail so often in this.  So what are the answers I am hearing?

It seems to me that my loving Father is reminding me that His mercies are new every morning.  His grace is sufficient for me.  Finally, that HE is the one that changes me and I need to just love him and serve him.  I get so caught up in what I need to do to please the Lord and all he is asking from me is the surrender of my life.  All of it, radical surrender.  That is the hard part.  Paul exhorts us in Romans:

12:1 Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice – alive, holy, and pleasing to God ²  – which is your reasonable service.

The footnote from Netbible.org is this:

^"2 tn The participle and two adjectives “alive, holy, and pleasing to God” are taken as predicates in relation to “sacrifice,” making the exhortation more emphatic. See ExSyn 618-19.

sn Taken as predicate adjectives, the terms alive, holy, and pleasing are showing how unusual is the sacrifice that believers can now offer, for OT sacrifices were dead. As has often been quipped about this text, “The problem with living sacrifices is that they keep crawling off the altar.” (emphasis mine)

How often I crawl off the alter and try and do things my own way in my own strength...or not do what the Lord is asking me to do.  To radically surrender would be to never get off the alter.  Or jumping off the edge into the precipice and trust the Lord in where he will take me.  Will today be the day?  Will this moment be the moment? 

Lord help me to surrender my wants and desires to you this moment and every moment.  I beg you to help me give up my rights as I see them and serve you wholly, whatever that looks like.  I can not do this by my own volition.  You are the one who must change my heart to want what you want more than what I want.