They had potato chips for lunch.

As usual I didn't prepare enough (not at all) the night before for my overnight trip to Spokane. (Which is an hour+ south of where I live.)  So, as a result, I tried to cram four hours worth of work into two.  Chaos ensued.  Getting together enough of everything for four children, ages nine months to six years, isn't as simple as throwing a few things in a bag.  There's all the extra stuff like clothes, blankets, diapers, food, bottles, bibs (which I forgot), toys, stroller, shampoo, sippy cups, etc.  Then when it's time to get into the car inevitably there is at least one poopy diaper...I got two.  I finally got everything in the truck and I am 20 min behind.  

As I am pulling out of the driveway I realize, I need gas.  There goes another 10 min.  At the gas station I face the fact, my children have not eaten and it's noon ...you see where this is going.  

I have a Dr's appt and I can not take another 15 min to get to the drive through, order, wait, and then distribute food.  Spying a variety of snack food I come to the conclusion that potato chips are the least bad of all the bad I'm looking at.  Three bags of chips it is.  I can not believe I am going to do this.  I have to laugh or I am going to get really down on myself.

My children were of course aghast at the prospect of eating a bag of chips for lunch.  They begged me to give them something healthy and well balanced.  They barely choked the chips and all their preservatives down.  All the while telling me what an awful mother I am.  NOT!!

So, they survived the ordeal and so did I.  The moral of the story, for me anyway, is get organized and don't procrastinate! 

Silly girl...

Diggin' Up Bones

"I'm diggin' up bones, I'm diggin' up bones
Exhuming things thats better left alone..."*

I can clearly hear the resonating barotone voice of Randy Travis singing these words.  The question that runs through my head along with the melody is "Should I?"  Now my reason is not to dig up bones regarding lost loves but of a childhood missing in foggy and lost memories.  Does it do any good to go searching for what is forgotten?  The event or events are obviously traumatic enough otherwise the brain would not be hiding it/them.  To what end?

I believe this comes down to motivation.  What is the driving factor?  This quest for information.  And how will God be glorified in the ugliness that can only be found in these kinds of things.  Should I even contemplate it?  What of the arguments against digging around in things you can't change?  How do you deal with the hostility that would come with it?  So many things to concider...I just want whatever I do to be glorifying to my Father.

"I'm diggin' up bones, I'm diggin' up bones
Exhuming things thats better left alone..."* 

...are they better left alone?



*Lyrics to "Diggin' Up Bones" by Randy Travis

The Hormone Perspective

I suffer from a chronic condition in which my perspective is often clouded with the heightened emotions due to  pregnancy and postpartum hormones raging through my body.  Sense I have had 4 babies in past 6 years I have been dealing with this for just about 6 years straight.  My condition will leave me unable to see past my anger, anxiety, despair, frustration, and impatience. I suffer from the Hormone Perspective.

So here is a little disclaimer to those who may read this and have suffered debilitating postpartum depression; I have not suffered enough to need medication.  I understand that that does happen for some people.  I am addressing my experience and am not saying those whose hormone induced depression are at fault or wrong for seeking the help they need. 

 Just today as I was getting in my truck after exercise class I heard a couple of the ladies talking about getting together, making it to this or that, and I started feeling sorry for myself.  Why don't these ladies invite me?  Why is it that I feel like I have to beg for time with my "friends".  What is it about me that they don't want to get together with me?  Am I that "needy"?  Do I give enough in my relationships? You can see how this is spiraling downward.  It happens so often with many different situations.  I begin to think I know what others are thinking and feeling and it ends up with me either feeling completely down in the dumps or really mad (usually at my poor husband).  All because of my own assumptions.

The question I have to ask myself though is, when I am in the midst of this, whose perspective am I looking at the situation with?  Is my husband really out to hurt me?  Is it really hopeless?  Is God really in control?  Does He got it covered?  Is it always going to be like this?  All these questions point out the fact that I am not looking at it with the proper perspective because they are questions full of anger, anxiety, despair, frustration, and impatience.  Which if you hold them up in the light of scripture it shows that I am sinning.  That I am not trusting God and his plan for my life and those of my husband and children.  That I am not believing his sovereignty, goodness, and faithfulness.  How then do I combat this when it comes up?

For me, the only thing to combat this from spiraling out of control is to go to the Bible and see what God has to say about these issues.  There are so many verses for each of these emotions and what we are to do with them.  The main point I want to get to when I need proper perspective is that of truth.  If I can't see the truth because of out of control emotions I have to ask my Lord to help me to see things through His eyes.  One verse that helps me a lot in this area is Philippians 4:8.

"Finally, brothers and sisters,  whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things." Emphasis mine.

 

I remember when my sweetheart and I first started dating I dealt with a lot of anxiety and fear about what his intentions were because of my ex-husband.  The Ex had just been looking for a wife to check off that box on the list of goals in his life and I was a good candidate...for a while anyway.  I wanted a man to be with me because he liked (and eventually loved) me not because I fit the checklist for a good girlfriend/wife.  So, I eventually made a list of what I knew to be true about my sweetie and chose to dwell on those things and not the "what if's".   It is my choice either to dwell on truth or dwell on unknowns.

So, today as I was holding back the flood of tears, I told myself that I don't know what others are thinking.  The truth is that the ladies in my class have been very kind and friendly and they were just getting to know me.  So that is what I have to go on.  I can not indulge in my self pity because it would inhibit my ability to be open, kind, and friendly to others because I dwelt in suspicion instead of truth.  I decided to try and look at things through Godly perspective and not the Hormone Perspective.

The 5 digit mouthwash.

I love my mouth.  It brings forth song, laughter, compassion, instruction, encouragement, and many other things.  However, occasionally I find, that it gets a 5 digit mouthwash.  This usually happens when the wisdom and self control switch get turned off and the mouth just keeps on moven'.  Open wide cause here comes the foot!  Can I get a do over?

This phenomenon occurred, yet again.  I often wonder if I'll ever learn (for the record, I think I will only improve but not fully recover).  Thankfully, my friend was kind enough to call me back and get some clarification.  As it turned out I had come across completely opposite of what I was really feeling.  As I was shoveling the driveway my thoughts began to move toward what she said rather than what I had said.

It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I am an avoider.  I avoid the things that are really hard for me until the repercussions of my avoidance becomes to big for me to ignore anymore.  Then the work load is, of course, 10x as much.  I have often asked the Lord when this behavior will cease.  When will I be the productive woman he wants me to be.  It is so hard to stop being selfish with my time and do ALL the things I know I should be doing.  I fail so often in this.  So what are the answers I am hearing?

It seems to me that my loving Father is reminding me that His mercies are new every morning.  His grace is sufficient for me.  Finally, that HE is the one that changes me and I need to just love him and serve him.  I get so caught up in what I need to do to please the Lord and all he is asking from me is the surrender of my life.  All of it, radical surrender.  That is the hard part.  Paul exhorts us in Romans:

12:1 Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice – alive, holy, and pleasing to God ²  – which is your reasonable service.

The footnote from Netbible.org is this:

^"2 tn The participle and two adjectives “alive, holy, and pleasing to God” are taken as predicates in relation to “sacrifice,” making the exhortation more emphatic. See ExSyn 618-19.

sn Taken as predicate adjectives, the terms alive, holy, and pleasing are showing how unusual is the sacrifice that believers can now offer, for OT sacrifices were dead. As has often been quipped about this text, “The problem with living sacrifices is that they keep crawling off the altar.” (emphasis mine)

How often I crawl off the alter and try and do things my own way in my own strength...or not do what the Lord is asking me to do.  To radically surrender would be to never get off the alter.  Or jumping off the edge into the precipice and trust the Lord in where he will take me.  Will today be the day?  Will this moment be the moment? 

Lord help me to surrender my wants and desires to you this moment and every moment.  I beg you to help me give up my rights as I see them and serve you wholly, whatever that looks like.  I can not do this by my own volition.  You are the one who must change my heart to want what you want more than what I want.

Will I Trust Him?

Everytime my new baby sleeps longer than he should I start through the scenario of how I would react if I found that he had died during the night.  Who I would call first.  Who I would get them to call.  Who I would get to come over to help me with the other children.  This is something I have dealt with when all my children are babies.  Not only the babies though...I will from time to time think about what I would do if my older children died or if my husband died.  Always, it seems, in the immediate aftermath.  But then I think, will I trust the Lord?

You will notice that I use the word "will" instead of "would".  This is because I have to decide if I am going to live trusting the Lord now, in the moment, or if I am only going to "trust" him when things are hard.  My question to myself is, how can I trust the Lord in something as catastrophic as the death of a child or husband if I am not trusting him in my everyday stuff?  Do I rest in his sovereignty only when things are mildly tough?

In Proverbs we read:

3:3 Do not let truth and mercy leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart. 

3:4 Then you will find  favor and good understanding, 

in the sight of God and people. 

3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

and do not rely on your own understanding. 

3:6 Acknowledge him in all your ways,  

and he will make your paths straight. 

3:7 Do not be wise in your own estimation; 

fear the Lord and turn away from evil. 

3:8 This will bring healing to your body, 

and refreshment to your inner self

In this we see that if we bind truth and mercy around us and write them on our hearts (this means studying Gods word and memorizing scripture), trust the Lord with all our hearts, acknowledge him in all our ways, are not prideful by thinking we are wiser than we are,  fear the Lord, and turn from evil, we will gain a multitude of benefits.  We will find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and others, guidance in our walk of life that will make our paths strait, we will physically healthier*, and we will have consistent rejuvenation to our souls.  Now hear me, this is a big deal!  Favor in the sight of the Lord?  Guidance that will make our paths strait?  Physical health?  Rejuvenation for the soul?  These are huge things that we can attain by trusting God!  This is goooood news!  Very exciting stuff just within our grasp.  

I want to live in the good stuff not in fear.  As I read the word and commune with my Heavenly Father I find it easier and easier to live in the good stuff.  I still struggle at times in the day to day things in my life but there is hope for me yet.  I choose to trust.

Will you trust Him?

*A little note on the physically healthier comment.  I am referring to illness and physical repercussions of stress only.  Not anything else.  Research has shown how stress can cause many physical side effects as well as shortened life spans.  I feel that this is also the context in which the writer was referring also.  If you think otherwise please feel free to have a discussion with me. :D

He WON'T listen to me?!

The thoughts go wild in my head and presumptions become fact when I am frustrated with my Honey for not meeting an expectation I have, doing something that frustrates me, or hurting my feelings.  So I decide to let him know exactly how I feel about _______,  and how he can fix it.  The accusations and blame laying start to fly and tears start to flow.  He immediately becomes defensive. Though what I am saying may be valid, he doesn't hear me through the words and the tears seem like manipulation.

I began to think that there has to be a better way to communicate to my husband when something legitimate (or consequential) is really concerning me.  A way where he wouldn't disregard what I am saying because he felt what I saying was emotionally lead and manipulative.  I have prayed for wisdom about this and I believe God has given me a good "formula" to fallow when presenting an issue to my husband.

Here is my encouragment to you.

1. Examine yourself.  What is at the heart of the issue?  Why do you feel the way you feel?  How is it effecting you, the children, or others?  Make a list.   Write everything down and organize your thoughts. This will enable you to get to the heart of the matter so you can understand what is really going on in your heart.  And when discussing it with your sweetheart get to those points quickly.  He then will be able to understand clearly what the issue is, where you are coming from, and you won't lose him with a lot of unnecessary words.

2. How do you think the issue could be resolved?  Write down all the possible solutions to the issue.  This will also let him see that you have put thought into the issue and aren't just knee jerk responding.

3. Sit on this and pray!  Ask the Lord for wisdom.  Ask for opportunity to share with your husband.  Ask for your heart to be right,  full of love and kindness and for his to be ready to hear it.

4. Wait for the opportunity but be intentional about it.  If you've gotten the green light it is advisable to let him know before he leaves for work or at lunch "Hey there's something I'd like to talk about when we have time together after the kids go to bed or whenever".  Don't spring something on him right when he walks in the door, or when he is in the middle of wrestling with Jr.  Also, always a good idea after a meal.

5. When talking with him be clear and concise.  Don't cry if you can help it as it looks like manipulation.  Use "I" statements.  (I feel _____.  When you said/did this I felt ____.  This is my perception, could you clarify.  This is where I am at.)  Realize that your sweetheart maybe having knee jerk reactions to something you are doing and be willing to take some exhortation as well.  If you are respectful in your petitions to him he will likely hear what the real issue is and you then can work toward resolving it rather than continuing in wrong thinking and hurt feelings. 

I have done this with many important and not so important issues in my marriage and when I do this instead of responding negatively my Honey is better equipped to hear what I am saying and we are able to work towards a resolution.  Believe me, it took a little while before I got this down.  And I still fail, but the Lord is not done with me yet and I hope as I walk with Him I will be able to respond respectfully and lovingly more often than not.  I have also found that this works well in other relationships when I am faced with trying to work out an issue.

God bless you!

Introduction to the lady

I invite you in, have a seat, share some coffee or tea with me. Here's a little about me.

I gave my life to Christ in February 1990. It wasn't until September 1997 that I truly understood what that meant though and it was then that I started running hard after God and have not looked back since. My relationship with my Lord has given me true joy and peace that I never experienced in the earlier years of my life. I am forever grateful to Him of his love for me. My walk with the Christ has not been what one would call "A walk in the park." However, I would say that through the sanctifying process it has been incredibly freeing.

I have been married to my best friend, for over 11 years. We live in the beautiful state of Washington on the East side of the state in a beautiful valley. I have 5 children. David (9), Ruth (8), Wally (6), Manny (4), and Quinn (2). David and Ruth have Autism and Manny is on the spectrum. Wally is a highly sensitive child who is typically developing. Quinn seems to be typically developing but he is a very active tornado!  (In the interest of protecting my family because of my Honey's line of work and predators, I am not using real names.)

God has used my husband and children tremendously in the process of sanctifying me. They seem to be what He is going to use mostly in my life, lol. I hope to bring you some encouragement as I share my struggles and challenges and then how the Lord brings me through them and lifts me up to look more like Christ and less like me.