The afternoon sun was coming through the window brightening up the sterility of the hospital room. A lone mylar balloon declared that someone should "Get Well Soon" with a cheerful bear holding flowers. The machine that breathed for my daddy was making it's usual sounds. The nurse on duty was checking his vitals and whatever else she was monitoring and smiled at me. You know the smile, one full of kindness and compassion for the person who is going through a traumatic experience. Drawing in a deep breath I went over to my daddy and cheerfully said, "Hi Daddy! I'm here to see you! I love you." Though he was sedated he responded to me by turning his head to me. I breathed a ragged sigh of relief. He knew I was there.
I wasn't ready.
There is so much that goes through your mind when the opportunity to have those heart to hearts you wanted are snatched away. So many things I really wanted to talk to my Daddy about were slipping through my fingers like water. The only thing left were wet hands from tears. This wasn't fair! I was supposed to get my last goodbye, my last "I love you, buh-bee", "How nice", and bad blonde joke.
I wasn't ready.
My mom and I met with the doctors and it didn't look good. The cancer had overtaken most of both his lungs. Time to call my husband and grandmother. Grandma arranged to pick up my Honey on their way. They were still 5 hours away. Then I called my soul sister. She had lost her dad to lung cancer 6 years before. Please come.
Finally, everyone arrived and as a family we met with the doctor. Daddy wouldn't last more than a day or two even with the life support. What did we want to do? We all knew he would hate to hang on for a couple days like that so...
I wasn't ready.
As Daddy's heartbeat slowed, I whispered to him that I loved him, and gave him the last kiss I would give him. Then I went into the arms of my husband and soul sister and sobbed my grief. Welling up in my heart was the song of a man who had lost his 4 daughters to a storm at sea. Going over the spot where they perished he penned the famous hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. Through the horrible pain tearing me apart, I knew the peace that surpasses all understanding knowing my Heavenly Father was holding me also and I never have to say goodbye to Him.
I wasn't ready. But I was going to be OK.
