The thoughts go wild in my head and presumptions become fact when I am frustrated with my Honey for not meeting an expectation I have, doing something that frustrates me, or hurting my feelings. So I decide to let him know exactly how I feel about _______, and how he can fix it. The accusations and blame laying start to fly and tears start to flow. He immediately becomes defensive. Though what I am saying may be valid, he doesn't hear me through the words and the tears seem like manipulation.
I began to think that there has to be a better way to communicate to my husband when something legitimate (or consequential) is really concerning me. A way where he wouldn't disregard what I am saying because he felt what I saying was emotionally lead and manipulative. I have prayed for wisdom about this and I believe God has given me a good "formula" to fallow when presenting an issue to my husband.
Here is my encouragment to you.
1. Examine yourself. What is at the heart of the issue? Why do you feel the way you feel? How is it effecting you, the children, or others? Make a list. Write everything down and organize your thoughts. This will enable you to get to the heart of the matter so you can understand what is really going on in your heart. And when discussing it with your sweetheart get to those points quickly. He then will be able to understand clearly what the issue is, where you are coming from, and you won't lose him with a lot of unnecessary words.
2. How do you think the issue could be resolved? Write down all the possible solutions to the issue. This will also let him see that you have put thought into the issue and aren't just knee jerk responding.
3. Sit on this and pray! Ask the Lord for wisdom. Ask for opportunity to share with your husband. Ask for your heart to be right, full of love and kindness and for his to be ready to hear it.
4. Wait for the opportunity but be intentional about it. If you've gotten the green light it is advisable to let him know before he leaves for work or at lunch "Hey there's something I'd like to talk about when we have time together after the kids go to bed or whenever". Don't spring something on him right when he walks in the door, or when he is in the middle of wrestling with Jr. Also, always a good idea after a meal.
5. When talking with him be clear and concise. Don't cry if you can help it as it looks like manipulation. Use "I" statements. (I feel _____. When you said/did this I felt ____. This is my perception, could you clarify. This is where I am at.) Realize that your sweetheart maybe having knee jerk reactions to something you are doing and be willing to take some exhortation as well. If you are respectful in your petitions to him he will likely hear what the real issue is and you then can work toward resolving it rather than continuing in wrong thinking and hurt feelings.
I have done this with many important and not so important issues in my marriage and when I do this instead of responding negatively my Honey is better equipped to hear what I am saying and we are able to work towards a resolution. Believe me, it took a little while before I got this down. And I still fail, but the Lord is not done with me yet and I hope as I walk with Him I will be able to respond respectfully and lovingly more often than not. I have also found that this works well in other relationships when I am faced with trying to work out an issue.
